Supporting young people to attend the funeral of a friend…

*I use the term ‘parent’ to include carers, guardians, elders and significant adults in young people’s lives.

The death of a child or young person is a life event that is rarely, if ever, forgotten. For many young people, the funeral that follows may be their first encounter with death.

We are an evolving community, and we are learning that it is better to include young people and ask what they want and feel able to do when it comes to funerals.

When a peer dies, young people are often asked to decide whether to attend or participate in a funeral without knowing what to expect. Parents may feel equally unsure about how to guide them. The ripples through the community are vast and cross over cultural practices and funeral norms. Families rarely have a template to follow that fits the enormity of the loss.

Recently, I needed to support my children to attend the funeral of a friend who died suddenly and unexpectedly. I’ve attended many funerals for children and young people in my working life, but taking my own children and bearing witness to that pain in a different way left me at a loss too. I drew deeply on my death and grief literacy.

I found myself being asked questions by parents, young people and members of the school community that were very practical and what I would call ‘sense-making’.

·  Where will it be?

·  I’ve never been to a non-religious funeral before, what will happen?

·  I’ve never been to a funeral for a child or friend; how will I cope?

·  What do I wear?

· Do the parents want me to come, am I invited?

·  Should I bring something?

·  Will the coffin be open?

·  What do I say to the parents?

· What do I say to their sibling? And so many more. 

At times like these, the nervous system naturally tries to evaluate the situation and develop a way to cope with overwhelming feelings. Parents are often heard saying, “I don’t want to traumatise my child.” This concern is entirely understandable. However, how can anyone be expected to make a decision about something they have never experienced before? I have supported many parents and community members to prepare for a funeral and sometimes we forget to include the basics.

One of the most helpful things we can do is provide clear and compassionate information ahead of time. The message below is an example of the kind of message that could be shared with families and young people after the formal funeral details have been announced. This could be shared via email, SMS and through messaging apps.

Gus’ funeral will be at the Community Centre. This is a light-filled room with a big outdoor deck and lots of trees and greenery.

Gus will be resting in his closed timber coffin. He will be there when you arrive. If you want, you are welcome to go to the coffin and say goodbye in your own way before the service gets started.

This might mean you go up and touch his coffin or just spend some time being there. Sometimes people find this helpful but only do what feels comfortable for you.

The funeral will begin at 2pm. If you want to bring some flowers from your garden or something small that represents your connection to Gus, you can put this on or around his coffin – a family friend will be there to help you if you need.

Fiona the celebrant will guide the service and share words about Gus’s life. Family and friends will speak too. We have created a special photo reflection that will be on the big screen with some of his favourite music.

We encourage you to dress comfortably and in a way that you feel respects Gus and your friends. You can wear your school uniform too. 

At the end of the funeral service, the Funeral Directors will drive Gus for a private cremation.

You are invited to stay after the funeral for snacks and drinks. This can be a time to share memories with each other about Gus and just be together.

You might feel lots of different things—sad, confused, quiet, or even unsure. All feelings are okay, and you don’t have to feel or act a certain way. If you feel during the service that you need some space, the deck outside is a safe place to be.

If you’re watching from home, you can still be part of the day. You’ll see the service and can leave a message for Gus’s family.

There will be adults and friends around who you can talk to if you feel overwhelmed or need help.

Thank you for supporting our family.

I prepared a version of this for the young people in my community and I was told that parents and young people felt invited, prepared and held. This sort of attention to detail helped people to make informed decisions.

When a child dies, it is likely unrealistic for parents to manage this level of communication. However, it takes a community to come together in a time like this. Celebrants, school professionals, friends, family and Funeral Directors could offer to create this with the family.

Clear information ahead of time helps young people and their parents make sense of what lies ahead and feel more prepared to attend. Messages like this can easily be shared amongst friends, family and the school community.

When preparing information for young people and their families, consider including details like these. Imagine yourself arriving at the funeral:

·  Describe the venue

· Talk about the deceased person - will there be a coffin or not and will it be open or closed?

·   How to connect with the person who has died, are there any rituals? Is there an invitation to connect, if so, how?

· Who will ‘hold’ the space, ceremony, service (celebrant, priest, MC, friend)?

· What will happen to the friend’s body? (cremation/ burial)

·  What happens after?

·   What if I’m not ok? Who will help me/ us?

·  Gratitude for connection and their role in the day.

Clear, thoughtful communication cannot remove grief. But it can reduce uncertainty and help young people and their parents feel steadier as they face an unimaginable day together.

Image credit: Bonita Ralph - author